Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Band Biology

Funny how these things happen in waves. Right about when macca was bitching and whining in his last blog entry about how bloody annoying computers can be I was busy watching facebook munch up and dispose of a great big long band bio which I wrote (ok my fault for choosing to write it on the web page instead of copy pasting but i'm still angry) and then failing to log into this blog to post the re-written version despite definitely having the right password.

Now I have the right password, here's a shot at potting the personnel history of the band:


Smokey Bastard are a mixture of seven English punks, folkies and bewildered musicians, playing original material and arrangements of folk tunes from whichever country we pinch them.

The Smokey Bastard song 'The Boys Who Left the Band' is ostensibly an autobiographical punk outpouring in the form of a twisted morality tale, finding meaning and motivation in the sordid history of the band.However, it was almost the first song Smokey Bastard ever wrote, it consists pretty much entirely of lies, and the only true things in it BECAME true after the song was written, so if you're looking for a biography of the band, ignore it.

Jonny the drummer didn't so much leave the band as disappear, since after recording 'Boys' with him we havn't actually managed to find the guy.

Cookie the banjoid also hasn't very literally left the band, in his case because although he's no longer a member of the band he's often still here.

Alex the drummer turned up and played the bodhran first try, so he's in.

Sophie the fiddler turned up and played the whole set first try, so she's in.

Everone else has been there pretty much since the band's messy beginnings, rising as it did out of the drinking, smoking, firegazing, singing and crassly insulting sarcastic behaviour which were and are the staple activities in the Ness Family Care Home for Lost Waifs, Strays and Musician-types.

These days, underneath the smell of alchohol and weird green vomit, Smokey Bastard is actually fairly coherant and is pretending to be 'businesslike'. We think this means hats, but we're not sure.

Summer 2008 will involve a uk tour, and milk bottles full of Guinness.

"the end" etc.

Tell me what you think...



I'm in Germany at the moment where my girlfriend's flatmate is chinese. She puts this on her hair I think, or face:

Yes, "SOD Milk".

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Fuck Computers


I am going to use this space to have a brief rant about computers as their antics have hindered several beautiful advancements in the glorious kingdom of Bastard.

Firstly, our new website is nearly complete. "GOOD" is what you might be thinking. The trouble is, some stuff doesn't work right in Firefox and some entirely different stuff doesn't work in Internet Explorer. I don't know why Microsoft and MoZilla don't just sit down, have a nice cup of tea, decide how the internet works and settle for some universal formula. It shouldn't be this hard. Anyway I think most of the Firefox problems are sorted so if you don't have Firefox, get it. It was always better anyway.

The website in progress can be found at
I think you'll agree that it's looking pretty sexual.

Secondly, I intend to start doing some animated blogs but I am rubbish at Flash so I have settled for the "Animation for Dummies" route: MS Paint in conjunction with Windows Movie Maker. Unfortunately this is proving more difficult than I expected after hours of crafting some really rather spiffy Smokey Bastard characters to animate. I'll have to spend more time fiddling with the damn computer-mo-phone in order to work this one out.

Thirdly, I did some basic T-shirt designs for y'all to have a goose at but my interweb is being a whiny little bitch (and, as a result, so am I) and won't let me upload them to the blog.

In other words, Grah.

That is all.
Snog y'all later.

Thursday, 24 January 2008

Happy Sharks

Here, for you viewing pleasure, is the latest from Cooky's "Happy Shark" Scrapbook.

"I just ate a whole fat person - heh heh heh."

"Look Ma. I cleaned my teeth real good. No people at all. Also my nostrils look like my eyes."

Possibly more soon. We can't really remember if we made this up about Cooky or if it's something he actually does. The line between reality and fiction has become somewhat hazy. Oh well. Stay Tuned.

Chris (Happy Sharks © Cooky 2008)

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Banjo haiku

Cooky is our occasional stage-fellow, he was in the band and now plays with us sometimes. These Haiku are about him.

i am hugely drunk.
whisky whisky whisky whis-
ky whisky whisky

look in my glasses
your drunken soul is upon
my enormous face

banjo is easy
see, i don't need finger picks
my beard is so FAST

Further suggestions welcome.



Aled sent in these Smokey Bastard Haiku and I thought them too good to leave them rotting in the comments box so I shall add them here. - Chris

Bastard Haiku

A smokey bastard
Once told me about a band
Called "Smokey Bastard"

He smelled quite smokey
And was born out of wedlock
Thus "smokey bastard"

By pure happen-chance
This fellow enjoyed folk-punk
Played by his namesakes

(When I say namesake
I am not quite accurate
His name's not "SB"-

It is just a neat
And relevant description
of his aroma

And of his parents'
Marital situation
In his infancy)

Anyhoo, this chap
Who doesn't really exist
Had introduced me

To Smokey Bastard
(That's the band, not the person
who I just made up)

Topsy Turvy

The life of a rock star is erratic, unpredictable and gut-wrenchingly exciting. One minute you're rocking out hard as life, the next you're eating breakfast for dinner. I mean that is just mental.

Mike and I would like the fans to know that we frequently have breakfast for dinner and, although we haven't asked them, I'm sure some of the other guys do too.

It's just how we roll.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

New Blog

'ssup, you crazies?

I have recently been commanded to do something I once swore never to do and, as a result, I have created this blog. My excuse is that it is a band blog and not a personal one, and henceforth is at least a little bit less lame.

I think the intention is to be informative with a hint of light-hearted mirth thrown in for good measure but I think the inverse is more likely. I for one don't have much information to share on anything and am mostly going to use this blog to jibber aimlessly about stuff that amuses me.

Expect, in future to find anything from gig and recording info through to stories by Mike about mice making cars out of buttons and the like.

Could be fun. LET'S SEE.

Until then...FLY MY PRETTIES.

Mwah Mwah